i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
