how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
