plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
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It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
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My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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