i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
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slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
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The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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