Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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