Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
