mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
