at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
