i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
