If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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