he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
