i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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