but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
