Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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