you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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