New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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