george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
