When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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