did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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