facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
