I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
