She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
