Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Everyone says I win the strip club
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
