You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
