Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
