I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We're too hungover to prance.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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