Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
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Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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