apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
