Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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