Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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