The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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