I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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