onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
