every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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