apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
