I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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