You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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