As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
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I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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