apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
