My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
