I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
