At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
