My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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