if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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