I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Send us your Text From Last Night!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
