I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.