Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf