Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?