bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know