I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.