I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole