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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
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