Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself