I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt