I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dating After Heartbreak
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor