Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dick very happy bro
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.