He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night