so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises