You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises