You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.