i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.