I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay